Are You Begging For Love?

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If you are begging for Love, chances are, you may be making yourself sick or unhappy and that you are lacking a healthy dose of self love…

There’s a fundamental understanding in Tantra, and it goes like this… “Don’t beg for Love. Just show your heart and the right love will show up, respond positively, and stay.”

I’m a big fan of Neuroscience Research and Evolutionary Psychology, it’s one of my favourite types of reading. I have always been drawn to learning more about how humans interact and what draws us to connect with each other. In fact understanding connection has been one of my life-long passions.

One field that I am most interested in is “Attachment Theory”. This is the research that categorises us all into three types of attachment styles – “secure attachment“, “anxious attachment” and “avoidant attachment“. All of us have one style or another, and our “attachment style” determines how we bond with other humans – we can’t escape it.

As humans, we are biologically wired to pair bond with another human and our “attachment style” is set deep in our brains based on our childhood and past experiences.

• “Secure” attachers” are about a third of the population.
• “Anxious” and “Avoidant” attachers make up the other two thirds.
• “Secure attachers” tend to bond more easily – this is the attachment style that has the most ease with intimate relationships.
• If you’re an “anxious” or “avoidant” attacher, relationships are a bit more tumultuous for you. But there is hope – you can work towards becoming a more “secure” attacher, with awareness, so that intimate relationships can become a bit smoother for you and not always an emotional roller-coaster

I don’t want to get in to the nitty gritty of the theory here, although fascinating, this is a vast field of research that can’t be given justice in one blog post.

However essentially, “secure attachers” sail through intimacy. A secure attacher will have no problem phoning you right back, won’t make you wait too long to hear from them, is clear in their communication, says what they want, are comfortable with what they need, and doesn’t see “need” as a burden. In fact a “secure attacher” sees you needing them as an opportunity for growth, warmth and yummy times together, and if you don’t call them right back, they don’t fret, they know that you are just busy.

An “anxious attacher” will worry if their partner doesn’t call, will constantly check their phone for a reply, will be upset if they feel ignored or not thought of, and sees any opportunity as a chance to be together.

An “avoidant attacher” is quite happy in their own space, doesn’t see the need to phone their partner right back, doesn’t think they are ignoring their partner when they are just busy, and takes every opportunity to do their own thing rather than seeing their partner.

If the last two attachment styles are in a relationship, intimacy may be a struggle for both partners, because essentially, they both lack self love. This sets up the dyamic where the “anxious attacher” chases the “avoidant” to feel closer to them and the “avoidant” runs away to create distance. There is a high chance that this love match will often be unharmonious because both haev a low self esteem.

Neither want to hurt the other, but without meaning to, both do.

If you do find yourself in this cha-cha, it can feel like a tumble dryer, and it’s not easy on either party. The “anxious” attacher wants more intimacy, and the “avoidant” attacher wants less, which causes discord and unhappiness on both sides. The fundamental problem is lack of self love on both sides but this is hard to see in the throws of stormy passion which has lots of ups and downs…

But it’s not not all doom and gloom for these two love-birds. Because here’s the thing…. BOTH the “anxious”and “avoidant” attacher are deeply yearning for authentic love and intimacy. It’s just that one pushes the other away, while the other steps in.

This is where Tantra can help, knowing that…

• Everybody wants love
• Everybody expresses their need for love differently
• Everybody has the opportunity to grow

So as we’ve already said, Tantra shows us that “you don’t need to beg for love, you just need to show your heart and the right person will respond to you in the right way”.

• we don’t need to chase
• we don’t need to make ourselves sick over love
• we don’t need to be in a relationship with the wrong person that has different intimacy needs
• we don’t need to run away, when really, we yearn to be held
• we can build our intimacy skills and become “better” at having smoother, more fulfilling relationships

• build your confidence so that you can be clear to your partner about what your intimacy needs are… confidence is sexy
• be more open and vulnerable so that your partner has the opportunity to really “see” you and respond positively to your needs… vulnerability is sexy
• dissolve body issues… self love is sexy
• become a more “secure attacher”… expressing that you genuinely want to be close and cuddly with your partner is sexy
• be softer in your communication to allow you to be more emotionally available for intimacy… being emotionally available is sexy

Are you Ready to Discover how Tantra can Help Turn the Cha-Cha in your Relationship into a Tango?

At Sparkle Tantra, we offer Tantra two ways…

1. At Home… try our “Tantra for Beginners Webinar” . This step-by-step online course allows you to discover skills and a pathway for more intimacy in the privacy of your own home
2. 1-on-1… if you would prefer your own private sessions, work with Francesca one-on-one and she will guide you with customised sessions to suit your own personal needs. These one-on-one sessions are available over Zoom, over the phone or in person. Reach out to Francesca for a chat about how she can help you at francesca@summerhills.com

And we look forward to connecting with you at Sparkle Tantra soon xx