Cheating doesn’t have to be sexual. A partner can also cheat emotionally or energetically, not just physically. The definition of cheating is up to you – but anything that you feel uncomfortable with needs to be discussed. Communicating boundaries is key, and what you do and don’t feel comfortable with.
The biggest issue then, is whether to heal the relationship and move forwards. Andif you do, there’s no doubt about it, recovering from cheating at any level is a tough process. One of the toughest. There is no judgement from me because relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, as does the motivation to stray from a partnership. However, it’s not only possible to recover from cheating, but also to thrive, and Sparkle Tantra can show you how, step-by-step…
In my coaching, couples that engage me are at all different stages of a relationship…
- I see new couples that want to ‘start off right’
- Couples that are ‘progressing’ but need a little help with intimacy, both physically and emotionally
- Couples in long established relationships that may have ‘lost a bit of spark’ and want to try something new, or simply want to feel closer to eachother
- Some couples feel disconnected from eachother and want to discover a deeper way to reconnect
- Couples that are facing unresolved issues that seem to repeatedly pop up, and are hoping that Tantra can ‘put the sparkle back into their relationship’
- Some couples struggle with balancing both of their masculine and feminine energies within the relationship. Everyone has both polarities, regardless of their gender, and some couples come to me to help them balance the tango of their energy within their connection
- And I also see couples who are ‘committed to getting back on track’ and have made the decision to recover from cheating
Cheating is a very complex area and one blog post can’t cover all its nuances. However, I see common patterns when couples come to me to help them repair or progress their relationship with Tantra…
Causes of Cheating…
- Lack of Self-Awareness – Often the partner that transgressed was lacking some level of self-awareness in understanding how they were feeling at the time of their affair. Be it a stress event or trauma, often there was ‘something’ that ‘pushed’ one partner into the arms of another (and usually this has nothing to do with the other partner). Sometimes this happens because it’s simply ‘easier’ to seek the comfort of a person that doesn’t know you that well. I am not excusing, nor judging, but often a person that ‘cheats’ simply feels overwhelmed by life, or by their relationship, and cheating is a knee-jerk reaction to move away from this stress
- Trauma – The person that has cheated will often have some unresolved past trauma which makes them ‘avoidant’. For someone that’s experienced trauma, it can be easier to run to another person, rather than facing their problems, including having the capacity to resolve current relationship issues
- Insecurities – Sometimes the partner that’s cheated has some deep-seated insecurities and doesn’t know how to ask for the reassurance they crave in the relationship. Some people have a deep-seated need for adoration and attention from more than one person. This might drive them to seek the affection of another where, to them, validation might seem more readily available elsewhere.
- Past Fractures within the Relationship – Some couples have come to me when there have been past problems which have remained unresolved, and in this state of ‘unresolution’, one partner has cheated as a way of ‘acting out’ in anger or frustration with the other
- Unskilled Communication – The most common reason for cheating that I have experienced in my coaching is where one or both partners have never developed the skills to ask for what they want, both inside and outside the bedroom. This can lead to frustration, where it’s simply easier to seek love and affection elsewhere, rather than having to ‘negotiate’ how to feel seen and heard within the relationship
- Unoptimised Body Chemistry! – In my upcoming book “UPSWING – BIOHACK Your Happiness Body Chemicals Naturally” due for release late 2023, I talk about body chemistry needing to ideally be optimal in both partners for a relationship to flourish. I also talk about Dopamine Addiction and how the vast majority of us are addicted to something, to a lesser or greater degree, be it social media, drugs, alcohol, driving at high speeds, emotional drama, gambling, gaming, risk-taking, shopping, over-eating, porn or sex, to name a few. Dopamine Addiction is another complex topic which I dive into deeply in the book, but in short, it can drive us to be constantly seeking new experiences. This honeymoon ‘new feeling’ of a relationship typically starts to change at about the 6 month mark, when the biochemistry of both partners starts to ‘settle’ and change into something more ‘stable’. And if this drive for seeking new experiences is not grounded in self-awareness, then when ‘the novelty’ of a relationship ‘wears off’, one partner might find themselves seeking this feeling of ‘newness’ within another connection – a new level of excitement and thrill in their lives – this is often an unconscious, unexplainable urge. This is because every new encounter that we have, be it with a new person or a different activity, releases a bigger ‘hit’ of Dopamine than what we might feel within the relationship. This is normal and biological, however, it comes back to self-awareness and knowing how to manage your Dopamine (I go into step-by-step Dopamine Management in great detail in the book too)
- Anxiety/Depression/Stress – It’s sometimes the case that a person suffering from anxiety, depression or an overload of stress might find it easier to ‘self-medicate’ with sex outside the relationship, simply because it gives them a break from their own internal world which they might be constanty reminded of within their daily relationship
- Sexual Dissatisfaction – It might also be that a partner might not feel sexually satisfied within their relationship, or might want to explore new techniques that their partner is not into. Sometimes, one partner might have a different level of libido to their partner. In other relationships, intimacy is minimal or non-existent. Some couples also experience challenges in various areas of their intimacy, from ‘lasting longer’ to kissing. Whatever the scenario, a partner might seek further sexual satisfaction outside the relationship, simply because it might be ‘easier’ than trying to explore attaining this satisfaction within their own relationship, and more importantly, having to figure out the communication to get there
- Unmet Emotional Needs – Some partners cheat because they feel emotionally unfulfilled, where one partner wants more intimacy than the other. In these cases, cheating is not about the sex at all, it’s about wanting to feel emotionally closer to someone and they are not getting this closeness within their relationship, and don’t know how to progress this emotional bond within their own relationship
- Porn! – I speak out about pornography a fair bit – it can be a relationship killer when it triggers expectations that are not based in the reality of what your partner really wants. Sexual and emotional connection is about tuning in, not play-acting to a script that someone else has made up – your relationship is about creating memories that are unique to you both. So sometimes, one partner that has used porn excessively might seek these expectations portrayed elsewhere
- Committment Issues – Failure or difficulty to commit comes back to all of the above – a mix of insecurities, trauma, body chemistry, unskilled communication, past fractures, sexual or emotional dissatisfaction and lack of self-awareness – a failure to commit might push someone to seek intimacy outside the relationship. Committment is needed, to yourself and to your partner, if a relationship is going to thrive
How Tantra Can Help Your Relationship to Recover…
There is one common denominator with all couples that come to see me for any reason, and that is, that couples are struggling to grow in their relationship, in one way or another. They also all intuitively know that they need to deepen their connection to progress to the next level, to ensure the connection doesn’t fade away or lose its lustre.
Recovering from cheating is similar, where the struggle to grow, progress and communicate can unfortunately cause indiscretions. Thus, the fracture that needs to be healed after cheating often tends to be much deeper than just a general discontent within a relationship.
I mean, we all want the butterflies and the fireworks as well as the mind-blowing, toe-curling sex, but what happens when you or your partner have dropped the (relationship) ball and have strayed? We all make mistakes, but is your relationship recoverable? The answer is, yes, of course it is, if you’re both committed and willing to repair the fracture, then recovery is entirely possible. And it’s also entirely possible to thrive as sparkling lovers, as well as to feel limitless as a couple, if you BOTH want this outcome.
In my last blog post, I talked about Oxytocin and the Slow Burn – which is about focusing on the committment, the unfolding process within your relationship, and how Tantra can support this journey. Recovering from cheating is a similar pathway – firstly – committing to eachother – and then – finding the right tools to help you feel closer, both emotionally and physically – the idea being that you feel so connected to eachother, energetically, as well as sexually and emotionally, that there is no room for cheating within the dynamic, because you feel so close to your partner that cheating would be unfathomable.
Tantra is an ancient wisdom that includes the steps to juice up your sexual and physical connection. It also gives you the right tools to communicate clearly within your relationship so that you can feel closer emotionally with your partner. This is what we want in a heart-centred connection, we want to feel both physically and emotionally closer so that neither partner is looking elsewhere to have their relationship needs met
Tantra also gives us the tools and steps to communicate outside the bedroom in a way that makes both partners feel more seen, more heard, and more loved
Tantra inherently also has built-in ‘novelty’ to help minimise either partner falling prey to the pull of Dopamine and seeking the thrill of ‘new’ affection from someone else
So if you’re looking for a way to create an unshakeable bond with your partner, then Tantra can help you to find the ‘glue’ that will not only help you to recover from cheating, but will also support you to thrive as a couple. Yes it is possible! And at Sparkle Tantra, we can show you, step-by-step, how to get there, offering you the trusted wisdom of Tantric Sex in two ways…
- At Home… try our “Tantra for Couples & Singles Beginner’s Webinar” which is suitable for both Couples and Singles with no prior experience necessary. This step-by-step online course allows you to discover the skills and a pathway for more intimacy in the privacy of your own home. This webinar is a series of pre-recorded videos which you can stop and start at any time and watch on your phone, TV or laptop.
- 1-on-1… if you would prefer your own private sessions, work with Francesca 1-on-1 as either a Couple or a Single and she will guide you with customised sessions to suit your own personal needs. These 1-on-1 sessions are available over a video call (Zoom, Teams, Whatsapp) or in person. Reach out to Francesca for a chat about how she can help you at firstname.lastname@example.org
And we look forward to connecting with you at Sparkle Tantra soon
xx Keep sparkling lovers, Francesca