Francesca EspositoIT TURNS OUT THAT WE CAN LEARN A FAIR BIT ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COMMITTMENT FROM SEAHORSES…
I found these two little cuties (photos above) a few days ago on the shores of my home town at South Golden Beach, slightly North of Byron Bay, on the spectacular East Coast of Australia. These two seahorses were a few feet apart, both wiggling around in the sand, so I snapped a super-quick photo and relocated them both back into the sea.
I have always loved seahorses but had only ever seen the small grey ones that are a few cms long on the pebbly beaches of Southern Italy. But I had never seen them quite like this before. Never this big and never this colour. These were BRIGHT FLUORESCENT orange and about 15 cms long which I thought was huge for a seahorse.
So I researched “orange seahorses” and it turns out that they are indeed very rare, and are in fact endangered, so I was very lucky to find, not one, but two of these gorgeous creatures.
I explored a little further and what I didn’t know was that seahorses are the romantic sweethearts of the sea. They not only pair bond monogomously for life, but they also meet first thing in the morning for an elaborate courtship display, dancing together for 1-8 hours to reinforce their pair bond. During this time they mirror eachother’s movements, and when they first come together each morning, they also both brighten in colour. They also wrap their tails to grasp each other for mating as well as drifting about in the water looking for food together with their tails wrapped around eachother.
So what can we learn from these Sweethearts of the Sea?
1. Reinforce Your Bond Daily
Tantra is known as the “morning and evening prayer between a man and a woman” and this is for a good reason. It takes time, presense and committment to bond with your mate. And it looks like Seahorses would agree. So if you want to deepen your connection with your partner, reconnect with them every morning (and every night). You may not want to (or be able to) have sex every day but there are other ways to reconnect intimately. Find a ritual that is uniquely yours or discover some new rituals as outlined in the Couple’s Course.
2. Plan Activities Together
Seahorses connect their tails and drift along looking for food together. They do this not only to reinforce their bond but also because who else would they rather hang out with other than their favourite seahorse? As a couple, ensure that you plan activities together that will reinforce your bond. My favourites to do with just my partner are… Dance classes or Dancing in the Kitchen. Date nights. Picnics. Farmers Markets. Cooking together. Cycling together. Moonlit Walks. Reading to eachother. Going to a party together. Movies. Sleeping in on a Sunday morning. Taking an evening class together. Atrending community evenings such as TED talks. What are yours?
It is possible to cultivate a deeper Connection over time – so by spending time together your connection can evolve and you will become closer.
Doing things together is also fun and it also keeps your relationship interesting. As humans we are also biologically hard-wired to seek variety (this is a survival tactic that evolved in our brains over millions of years – variety keeps us alert and engaged and therefore safe).
So keeping things spiced up both inside and outside the bedroom is not only good for the health of your relationship, but it’s also an evolutionary need – we otherwise tend to feel restless and unsettled when we are doing the same things over and over.
3. Never Stop Courting
Human courtship is sweet however it often stops at the end of the “honeymoon phase”. On the contrary, seahorses court eachother every morning forever – this “morning dance” courtship ritual never stops, even after they have babies.
So never give up on the romance as this keeps the passion alive. It doesn’t matter how long you have been together, courtship keeps you both sweet for eachother. Whether it’s Date Night, Holidays Away, Little Love Notes, Gifts Big or Small or Acts of Service for eachother, keeping up the romance is one of the keys to longevity in a relationship.
4. Face Eachother
When Seahorses wrap their tails together, they are facing eachother. In Tantra, face-to-face contact is important because Eye-Gazing is a super significant part of bonding with your partner. This is because through eye gazing we have a raft of brain chemicals that are released that make us bond with our mate. We go through these steps in depth in the Tantra for Beginner’s Couples Course however, whenever you are with your partner, whether it be at dinner, in a coffee shop or lying down together – ensure that you are face-to-face with your eyes open for maximum bonding contact.
5. Tune in to Eachother
Seahorses mirror eachother’s movements. One of the steps of Tantra is to tune into your partner’s breath, especially while kissing. We go through the steps of tuning in to your partner in depth in the webinar.
6. Kiss Often
When seahorses are entwined in their morning dance, it looks like they are kissing when their snouts are touching together. With humans, the brain chemical Oxytocin is released when we kiss. Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter released in our brains that makes us feel good, so one of the keys to feeling good within a healthy relationship is to kiss often!
Our brains can also detect the pheromones on our partner’s lips that makes us more attracted to them so kissing often is important to ensure that we are in close smelling contact with our lover. More about kissing here.
7. Show Appreciation
A pair of seahorses will both brighten in colour when they first meet every morning. Could these sweethearts perhaps be showing eachother that they are excited to be seeing their favourite seahorse? One of the best ways to keep your passion alive and your romance sweet is to show gratitude to your partner – for the big things and also for the little things – it shows that you care and that you notice. Because above all else, being in love is about being seen and being adored by your beloved. We go through a very deep Gratitude process in the Couple’s Course.
8. Maintain Your Independence
A Seahorse Couple will promenade and pirouette together for several minutes (or hours) before separating for the rest of the day. As humans it is important that we maintain our independence for a healthy balanced relationship. This helps us to set our boundaries and to understand what we are wanting in the relationship. It also helps us to cultivate awareness of our partner’s needs which allows us to be more responsive and compassionate. Over time this also helps us to nurture the male and female polarity that is required to maintain the magnetism and spark within our relationship. We explore male and female polarities in depth and how to cultivate the feminine and masculine energy in the online Couple’s course.
9. Get into Nature
Seahorses are just one of the wonders of nature. Getting into nature daily on your own or with your partner helps to ground you. Go for a walk. Take a swim. Jump on the pushbike.
Connecting with Nature also releases Serotonin in your brain which is a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good.
Connecting with the “awe” of nature also opens us up to connecting with the feeling of “oneness”, “the source” or “god” which is also a very powerful way to soothe us.
10. Humans are Wired to Pair Bond
It’s not only Seahorses that pair bond for life, humans are also biologically wired to pair up with another human. By pair bonding we co-regulate eachother, which means that we have the ability to settle eachother’s nervous systems, and in doing this, we fall further in love with our partner.
Pair Bonding is also yummy because of the chemicals that are released in the brain every time we connect with another human including neurotransmitters like Oxytocin, Vasopressin and Dopamine – these are all designed to make us feel-good.
However relationships can be hard work. So resolving your issues in your relationhsip is often worth it because the challenges of being Single is also equally hard.
Here are some further blog topics for a deeper dive into some tips to help ease the challenges of both Couples and Singles…
Tips for Couples
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- Feeling Disconnected from your Partner
- Stuck in a Sexless Relationship
- Guys Lasting Longer in Bed
- Increasing Libido
- Mismatching Libidos
- Understanding Attachment Styles
- Erogenous Breasts
- Becoming More Orgasmic
- Sex as Medicine
- Tantric Kissing
- Comittment as a Couple
- Feeling Limitless as a Couple
- Holding Space as a Couple
- Deepening Your Connection
Tips for Singles
Now I really hope that these two cuties were indeed a couple and that they have reconnected in Seahorse Love soon enough at sea because we have alot to learn from these little guys…
For more tips on how to sweeten your romance, we are ready to support you. Whether you have just met someone or are in a long term relationship – there is always room for improvement on both sides.
At Sparkle Tantra, we offer the trusted wisdom of Tantra two ways…
- At Home… try our “Tantra for Couples Webinar” which is suitable for both Couples and Singles and no prior experience is necessary. This step-by-step online course allows you to discover skills and a pathway for more intimacy in the privacy of your own home. This webinar is a series of pre-recorded videos that you can stop and start at any time and watch on your phone, TV or laptop.
- 1-on-1… if you would prefer your own private sessions, work with Francesca one-on-one as either a Couple or a Single and she will guide you with customised sessions to suit your own personal needs. These one-on-one sessions are available over Skype, over the phone or in person. Reach out to Francesca for a chat about how she can help you at francesca@summerhills.com
We look forward to connecting with you at Sparkle Tantra soon
Francesca xx