Francesca Esposito
TANTRA CAN HELP.
I have been coaching a delightful couple lately, she is in her 40’s and he is in his 50’s. Both professionals, both busy, both tired, kids are grown up, have been together for over 15 years, they report that they don’t have any unresolved issues, they don’t argue and both are super committed to their relationship. She came to me however asking for help to re-ignite the passion in their marriage when she realised that she couldn’t remember the last time they had sex – perhaps years. This is a relationship that is in need for repair…
This is more common than you think. In fact a whopping 20% of marriages are reported to be sexless across all age groups. This is a huge statistic!
- You can blame it on age differences, fitness, energy levels, declining hormones, pressures of family life or both genuinely feeling non-sexual. However with this particular couple that I am coaching (and with many others) – it’s often none of these factors. This particular couple are both highly energetic, very sporty in fact, both extra fit, it’s just that one partner wants sex and the partner doesn’t. AT ALL. And they choose to be monogomous to eachother. In this case the man doesn’t want sex at all and he is happy with this platonic marriage but she is not
- So this is more than just a case of mismatching libidos where one partner wants more intimacy than the other and where sex does happen from time to time so there is some kind of sex life (just an infrequent one)
- This is also more than just competing energy levels vs time pressures. This is a marriage where sex has completely left the building, where there has been NO SEX AT ALL EVER FOR MANY YEARS
- Other than the lack of sex, both are very happy with all other aspects of the relationship, they spend alot of time together and go on holidays together alone as a couple
- So what else could be going on here and for the 20% of relationships that choose to be celibate and monogomous?
CELIBACY AS A CHOICE
Many people choose to be in a non-sexual relationship where both partners are celibate and still remain faithful to eachother. And if you are BOTH fine with this, then a sexless marriage is not a problem. Some folks value other forms of intimacy such as companionship, friendship, longevity, family, history, holidays and memories.
However if either of you is not okay with a platonic relationship, then Tantra can help.
SEX AS THE GLUE
Sex however is a vital part of most relationships. Sex is healthy and some couples report that it is “the glue” that connects them and the spark that keeps them going. I like to take one step further and say that sex is “medicine”. Of course there is alot more to a relationship than sex and giving eachother pleasure, and connection can be deepened in many other ways.
FEMALE AROUSAL – THE IGNITION SWITCH
Now if 20% of relationships are completely sexless, then I can’t help but think that this may be somehow connected to the whopping 75% of women that are unable to orgasm vaginally through intercourse alone. This is a delicate and highly complex issue however in my work as a Tantra coach, I feel that these two numbers could very much potentially be interlinked. Think about it, if a woman has difficulty reaching orgasm, then it would be easy for one or both partners to simply give up on sex.
All of the steps in Tantra can assist to reignite any relationship, however there are two little known facts about how to ignite female arousal that I think can specifically help to set that spark ablaze.
1) THE UPPER LIP on the woman’s mouth is directly connected to the woman’s clitoris in Tantra. So by kissing, nibbling or sucking the womap’s upper lip, this can stimulate the woman’s clitoris without even touching it. I go into great detail about the benefits of kissing and how to be a great kisser in this blog post here. So if a man puts more of his attention to the highly erogeous upper lip of a woman, this may help him to arouse his partner more successfully. The Kama Sutra also says that while the man is doing this, the woman should also suck or nibble on the man’s lower lip to complete the energetic circuit
“When a man kisses a woman’s upper lip, this is called the kiss of the upper lip. During this time, the woman has to kiss in a sensuous manner the man’s lower lip.” KAMA SUTRA
Some women also report that their upper lip quivers when they orgasm – so it is worth giving the upper lip some focus as this may help to kick start female arousal.
2) THE BREASTS and especially the nipples are sexually connected to the vagina. This means that to really get a woman to open up, start with her nipples and breasts! Some women can experience a “nipple-gasm” from stimulation of the nipples alone. I talk more about breasts and how to stimulate them Tantrically in this blog post here.
So if the UPPER LIP STIMULATES THE CLITORIS and the BREASTS AND NIPPLES ARE A DIRECT LINK TO THE VAGINA, then I can’t help but wondering how these two little known facts could help any sexless marriages that are struggling with female arousal? Give these two steps a try and see if sex is re-ignited in your relationship!
There might also be other factors which might have caused a couple to “give up” on sex…
4) LOW LIBIDO in one or both partners, which I discuss in detail in this blog post here including tips on how to elevate sex drive
Or perhaps the celibacy in your relationship has deeper roots than any of these physical factors…
5) COMMITTMENT issues can also be the cause of lack of sex in a marriage. And for a relationship to work, committment requires focus on yourself, not just your partner. I talk more about committment as a couple and as a single in this blog post here
6) FEELING DISCONNECTED from your partner might also be a factor that has led to a sexless relationship – I cover this in more detail here
7) HOLDING SPACE for yourself and for your partner is also very important to keep intimacy alive in your marriage – more on this here
8) COMMUNICATION is the key, above all, so both learning how to express your feelings is vital, before you find your feelings erupting into unbridled emotionality where both of you could say something that you may later regret. I generally find that couples that have discovered how to communicate openly and respectfully with eachother have a greater chance of keeping their sex life healthy, balanced and alive. More on Feelings vs Emotions here
There are also some specific steps in Tantra that will help to spark passion between two lovers, including…
9) EYE GAZING is an important part of triggering the ignition switch of passion – we go through this in great detail in the step-by-step webinar “Tantra for Couples – Beginner’s Course”
10) STROKING – also covered in detail in the couple’s course – this is another important part of kick-starting sex
For more tips on how to put the spark back into your relationship, we are ready to support you. Whether you have just met someone or are in a long term relationship – there is always room for improvement on both sides.
At Sparkle Tantra, we offer the trusted wisdom of Tantra two ways…
- At Home… try our “Tantra for Couples Webinar” which is suitable for both Couples and Singles and no prior experience is necessary. This step-by-step online course allows you to discover skills and a pathway for more intimacy in the privacy of your own home. This webinar is a series of pre-recorded videos that you can stop and start at any time and watch on your phone, TV or laptop.
- 1-on-1… if you would prefer your own private sessions, work with Francesca one-on-one as either a Couple or a Single and she will guide you with customised sessions to suit your own personal needs. These one-on-one sessions are available over Skype, over the phone or in person. Reach out to Francesca for a chat about how she can help you at francesca@summerhills.com
We look forward to connecting with you at Sparkle Tantra soon
Francesca xx