Francesca EspositoTantra is a practice that you can use every day in all sorts of situations. Tantra normally refers to Tantric Sex or intimacy between two people that is slow, deeply connected and highly erotic. However Tantra is a whole lot more than that – Tantra is a wholistic approach to Life and it’s incredibly useful for Singles not just Couples.
Yes Tantra is essentially about how to become a memorable lover, however the core of Tantra is about being in the moment.
Take going on a first date for example. Probably one of the most awkward moments of any person’s life. Will he/she like me? What do I talk about with a complete stranger? Will I pickup on the non verbal cues correctly? Will I be safe? How quickly will I know if I like the person? Do I agree to just a quick coffee or do I dive into a lunch or dinner for the first meeting?
First Dates are usually a cocktail of emotions….
Here’s 15 ways which Tantra can help you get through this event with more ease:-
1. Be Present. Tantra is essentially teaching us all to be more aware in the present moment. If Tantra could be summed up in one word, it would be PRESENCE. To be connected with your partner and connected with yourself, means to be present. This means paying attention to your partner, what is happening from moment to moment, and processing what is happening so that you can respond from a place of authenticity.
2. Turn off the phone. This is an extension of the previous idea but it’s worth it’s own point. And I don’t mean putting your phone on vibrate. I mean, actually powering it down. There is nothing more off-putting than a date who checks their phone or who has multiple alarms that sound every half an hour. It signals that they are bored and perhaps not that interested in you. If a First Date is potentially the start of a meaningful relationship, then it’s also the start of Making Love with that person. So eliminate any distractions so that you can fully absorb your date’s energy. Good Date Etiquette is to turn off your phone and allow the space and time to be mindful with your date.
3. Eye Contact. This is probably one of the hardest things to do, but it’s a core practice in Tantra. This technique is called eye gazing. Even typing these words can sound a little creepy, but it’s not. Looking into your partner’s eyes while you are making love allows you to connect with your partner’s soul and is deeply heartfelt, nourishing and disarming, in a good way. So looking into your date’s eyes during a date is the same principle – it’s the start of making a soul connection with someone – this is deeply liberating. Eye contact is a powerful way of saying that you are interested in the person and that you are wanting a meaningful relationship.
4. Talk slowly. And I don’t mean, slowing down to one word a minute. I mean, take your time to respond to your date’s questions. Whether it is a coffee or a dinner, there is no need to rush. Most of what you need to know about your date will be picked up in non-verbal cues anyway, so allow the words to roll gently, like waves. If Tantra with a partner is about taking sex at a slower pace and savouring every moment, then your first date needs to also be slow – slow and gentle with your words – like a fire being slowly kindled – this allows you to absorb each moment and to relax into how you may feel about a person.
5. Pace yourself. You don’t need to tell all in one sitting. Tantra is about discovery, about learning the nuances of your partner over a period of time. You don’t need to tell your whole life story on your first date. Allow your date to absorb what you are saying and save some details for the second and third dates. Of course don’t leave out the important parts that might be a deal breaker – however be up front with your wants and needs – the more honest you are about the type of relationship that you want, the more likely you are to get it ! Tantra is about being clear in your communication and asking for what you want – in a gentle and caring way.
6. Three Date Rule. This is something that I have heard over and over with my clients. That they may not click with someone new in the first date, or that they click but they are not sure about compatibility. The Three Date Rule seems to be a good guide to confirm that you like the person enough to start a relationship, or to check on compatibility. This allows for nerves to settle, confidence to be boosted and for different scenarios to bring out other aspects of your date. In Tantra, we peel the onion of intimacy, we go with the flow and allow for a natural progression to happen. The same idea can be applied to the first stages of dating. Allow some time over a series of dates in different settings to see if there is any chemistry once the nerves subside. If the first date was coffee or lunch, then perhaps try a walk or a picnic as a next date? A dance or a hike also allows for some conversation. Avoid scenarios like movie theatres or large pubs where talking will be difficult!
7. Set the Scene. Deeply connected sex with your partner starts with setting the scene for meaningful intimacy. Think…. candles, music, essential oils. A First Date can follow the same principles. Choose a place that you know is going to be quiet. There is no point going to a noisy pub at peak hour and expect any meaningful connection to take place. Choose a setting that will support a meaningful exchange to flow. Choose a place where you can sit close to eachother, so a cafe is ideal. Also consider timing. An 11am brunch may be less noisy than 9am or 1pm. This style of thinking also gets you into the headspace of taking a more Tantric approach to your next relationship – a connection that is deeper and more meaningful involves some thought and planning.
8. Have Fun! Tantra is very much about enhancing pleasure in lovemaking. This begins with Fun Dates! So planning your second and third date to be a fun activity is a good way to see if you can connect with your date in a range of scenarios. It’s also a great way to see if you can make eachother laugh and feel comfortable in eachother’s company, as well as to feel if there can be a potential depth of care and empathy for eachother in the future.
9. Be Your Vulnerable Self! Tantra is also all about Authenticity, about being sincere with the other person. Therefore the more genuine you are on your First Date, the more likely you will connect with the right partner. Be as honest as you can be and Shine Your Light! It’s all about energy, glowing from the inside and being Vulnerable. Your date is more likely to connect with you if you are open, as opposed to being closed. So ask open questions, speak candidly about your experiences, and allow your date the chance to speak – and really hear them.
10. Body Language. Tantra is as much about Touch as it is about Body Opening. This includes Body Language. If you like the person, then sit next to them and allow your knees to touch under the cafe table! Touch their shoulder when you are gesturing something important. Start to allow touch to enter the date, in a safe way. Smile. Listen. Look. Lean in closer to your date. Laugh. Reach out and touch their hands! These are all powerful ways to signal to your date that you are into them and that the date is going well!
11. Rejection. And if it’s not going well, or if you feel that you may like the person more than they like you (or vice versa), there is no need to force the connection. A large part of chemistry is biological and linked in with pheromones – these factors can’t be manufactured. So if it’s not flowing, then they are not the right person for you. Forcing it will just turn into the wrong relationship down the track (and further heartbreak when the incompatibility becomes clear in the future). I write more on this topic in my blog post Are You Begging For Love where I talk about different Attachment Styles. The key point here is to trust that the Right Relationship will show up for you and the Right Relationship will stay.
12. Resilience. And so if your date doesn’t work out, it gives you more time to work on your Resilience as you fly Solo for a bit longer – now’s the time to make a conscious choice to be Better, instead of Bitter, as a Single.
13. Patience. The Dating Phase doesn’t last forever. There is the Right Relationship out there for everyone. Everybody deserves a sizzling hot sex life and a deeply meaningful connection. It just takes Patience and Time to find the right person, and it’s so worth it when you do. Tantra is about taking it Slow in Sex, being Genuine and Vulnerable, and allowing the Space & Time to find your own Unique Way in Love. The same applies to Dating. Patience is Key when integrating Tantra into all aspects of your Life, including First Dates. And until the right partner shows up, now’s a great time to deepen your masculine or feminine energy. Our Beginner’s Tantra Online Course will help you to do this.
14. Hugging. Especially if the date goes well (and even if it didn’t), Hugging is an excellent way to elevate the feel-good hormones of Oxtocin within both of you. It also allows you to feel the other person’s energy in a non-verbal way. Hugging is a great way to end a date on a soft but upbeat note.
15. Kiss Early ! This is a bold statement to make however if you have completed my course Tantra for Couples – for Beginners – you would know that there are important pheromones involved with kissing – these are the smells on the lips and mouth that signal that a partner is physically compatible for you. I am not suggesting that you KISS upon arrival of your date (although you may choose to do this!) – however – once you know that you like other some aspects of your date – then KISSING sooner than later is better from a neurochemical and physical attraction point of view ! By the way, this course is also suitable for SINGLES, not just couples, as it outlines all the principles of Tantra which both couples and singles will need to embrace the world of Tantra as beginners.
If you want to dive deeper into yourself and discover the ways that Tantra can help you feel more connected – to yourself, to your life and to your partner – here’s a number of ways that we can support you..
At Sparkle Tantra, we offer the trusted wisdom of Tantra two ways…
- At Home… try our “Tantra for Beginner’s Webinar” . This step-by-step online course allows you to discover skills and a pathway for more intimacy in the privacy of your own home. This webinar is a series of pre-recorded videos that you can stop and start at any time and watch on your phone, TV or laptop. It is is suitable for both Couples and Singles and no prior experience is necessary.
- 1-on-1… if you would prefer your own private sessions, work with Francesca one-on-one and she will guide you with customised sessions to suit your own personal needs. These one-on-one sessions are available over Zoom, over the phone or in person. Reach out to Francesca for a chat about how she can help you at francesca@summerhills.com
We look forward to connecting with you at Sparkle Tantra soon
Francesca xx