Francesca Esposito
I’m going out on a limb here to say that most people have either seen a pornographic film or some type of sexual magazine at some point during their lifetime, or both. Even if you’ve only ever seen a steamy sex scene or three in a movie, that’s still what’s considered ‘soft porn’. So let’s assume that porn has been consumed by almost 100% of the adult population – my point is – this topic affects everyone without exception.
I’m going further along this branch to say that none of this has ever helped anybody with their sex life, not in any genuine, authentic way.
I know this is a bold statement – so let me explain…
A lot of porn (albeit not all) represents sex between two people who are not in any kind of personal relationship.
There is generally no connection.
There is also usually no element of care.
Why?
Because it’s usually sex between two actors.
Yes there are some ‘couple sex blogs’ curated by real life couples in real life relationships.
However, they are not showing us their regular, connected sex – they’re showcasing their ‘interesting’ sex and tricks – their highlight reel.
But how real is this and how does this affect us, the viewers?
So putting ‘couples blogs’ aside, I want to talk specifically about porn films – the type with total strangers acting in it.
The problem with these sorts of sexual representations is that they are not a true reflection of what each party truly likes in real life. I mean, truly, deeply desires.
In all of my coaching, and even general conversations about sex in real life, I have never once found a person, man or woman, who didn’t prefer epic, connected sex, which feels like colliding supernovas, over any other type of sex.
So what does this tell us about porn films?
Sadly, Porn films are setting up an expectation in real life which may not be achievable, or even remotely realistic.
Porn represents actions, moods and positions which a large number of people don’t even like. Many folks feel that sex must be some kind of performance to be ‘good at it’.
These acted sexual films also show modifications to the body which are used for the artistic purposes of the film – this ‘art styling’ then sets up the expectation that these amendments should be translated into real life.
I’m talking about labia getting shortened, pubic hair being shaved off and nether regions being bleached – and that’s just for starters.
The peer pressure is then on both men and women to spend thousands of dollars over their lifetimes to change their bodies to mimic this art.
Is this really what we all want? To have a genre of the film industry dictate to us what parts of our bodies need changing?
Or deep down do we all just yearn to be accepted as we are?
I feel the sadness of Porn as I type this.
And how, with the help of the Porn industry, we may have lost our way a bit…
At our core, we are soft, vulnerable beings, and Pornography is (mostly) far from tender, mindful sex.
There would be nothing to film with gentle, connected sex, because you can’t capture the feeling of connection on a film – epic sex is a feeling – and it happens on the inside.
Do you yearn for deeply connected, delicious intimacy, full of love and knowing, the kind that blows your socks off?
If so, can we find our way back to the authentic, loving, nourishing, connected touch which we all deeply desire?
Yeeees!
Shame is not the intention here, only awareness. However, if you know deep down that sex is not about the styling, or the acting. And that true sexual intimacy is not about performance. Then read on… and discover the new sexual revolution which involves integrity, authenticity and a return to self as well as mind-blowing sexual pleasure which doesn’t require you to follow someone else’s script.
True intimacy takes you back to your heart – it’s about tuning in to your partner, learning to love yourself for your own idiosyncrasies, and then loving your partner’s quirks as a very loveable part of their whole. We are energetic beings. Our biological need to connect is greater than almost any other need we have as humans. In fact, our neurological need to belong is greater than our need for food (fact). And yet through the vehicle of pornography, we lose a huge chunk of this. Because pornography sets up a stage of impossibility which tears down the curtain of delicate mystery and puts us all on notice.
But you’re reading this because you want something to change right?
In my new book UPSWING (due for release Feb 2022), I talk about the neuroscience of pornography and its affect on your brain. Newsflash: It’s not good.
I’ll spare you the nitty gritty here, but in short, pornography mucks with your neural pathways and the delicate balance of neurochemistry in your brain – pornography actually does your brain some damage, and if you’re deep in the porn world, this damage could be more than just a little bit.
Don’t panic though, it is recoverable, through Tantra, and the neuroscience backs this up…
What I share in my book is the neuroscience of happiness – it’s a whole journey of self love and the good habits which can elevate you. Every. Single. Day.
Conversely, I also talk about the activities which can bring you down. Alas, pornography is one of the activities which doesn’t support your brain chemistry to stay optimal. The research I present in my book is all brought to you by the expert scientists so don’t shoot the messenger.
Yes, my book will be controversial – and I relish the opportunity to help folks get back to true intimacy, where authentic connection sets the tone of how we relate, not the porn industry. Where we are not motivated by some pre-determined script of how another person imagines our sex should be conducted.
Sex is personal – and it needs to be treated that way.
Enter Tantra – the wisdom which shows us how to connect with eachother naturally, without the use of a script – and it’s been guiding couples with ecstatic, supernova-colliding-level sex for centuries.
“But porn gives us ideas” I hear you cry!
Yes, I get that – it certainly does – someone else’s ideas.
So perhaps now is the time to remind you that the biggest sexual organ we all posses is the brain, not the genitals. And your brain, your own ideas, are just as juicy and vibrant as the vivid imagination of the porn script writer.
Your own brain gives you all the taste, smell, hearing, sight and touch you need to generate enough desire to light up an inferno. Your own on-board senses are exactly what you need to orchestrate the best sex of your life.
Really? Yeeeeeesssssss!
And now I hear a chorus shouting….
- But I don’t know how?
- I’ve never known how to do this?
- No-one’s ever shown me what to do
- I’ve never had the opportunity
- I wouldn’t know where to start?
- I’ve done it the same way my whole sexual life
- I always do what they show in porn
Yes I get that too, but if porn is all that’s lighting your fire right now, because that’s all you’ve ever known, then perhaps it’s not ideas that you need – perhaps it’s confidence. Maybe with the right guidance and a little confidence booster – you won’t need someone else’s script anymore. And maybe, just maybe, once you’ve tasted what epic, slow, toe-curling sex tastes like, you’ll never look back.
So if you are curious about discovering truly connected, mind-blowing lovemaking, or if you simply need a little confidence to pep you up, or if you are keen to be pointed in another direction other than porn, then jump onto the “Tantra for Beginner’s Webinar” – it may be the best leap you ever take.
Let Tantra show you how you’ve got the best Director, Producer and the whole Acting Cast already lined up within your own brain, where every act of sexual intimacy will become your very own private screening. And where every delicious scene and plot twist can be whatever you would like them to be.
So if you’re ready for hot sexual connection that sizzles both inside and outside the bedroom, then jump into Tantra to discover some easy steps which are natural as well as fun.
At Sparkle Tantra, we offer the trusted wisdom of Tantra two ways…
- At Home… try our “Tantra for Couples & Singles Beginner’s Webinar” which is suitable for both Couples and Singles with no prior experience necessary. This step-by-step online course allows you to discover the skills and a pathway for more intimacy in the privacy of your own home. This webinar is a series of pre-recorded videos which you can stop and start at any time and watch on your phone, TV or laptop.
- 1-on-1… if you would prefer your own private sessions, work with Francesca one-on-one as either a Couple or a Single and she will guide you with customised sessions to suit your own personal needs. These one-on-one sessions are available over Skype, over the phone or in person. Reach out to Francesca for a chat about how she can help you at francesca@summerhills.com
We look forward to connecting with you at Sparkle Tantra soon
xx Francesca